- Practice active listening. Do it ALL the time. I mean, always. Practice with your wife, your child, your dog (OK, maybe not the dog) and anyone else you encounter. It's especially important to practice active listening in very high stress situations, but it's hard to remember to do this when you're adrenaline gland is pumping. So do it even when you're totally "zen".
- Guy dinged the fender of your brand new car? Listen to him, maybe he was up all night with a teething baby. Give him a break, that's what insurance is for after all.
- Been up all night with a teething baby? Listen to your wife, she might open up to you about how frustrated she is to be losing sleep too.
- OK, so here's one that's not related to my home life - the product owner changed the requirement/acceptance criteria you just promoted to production? Again? For the third time? Listen to the product owner, there's a better than average chance they can point to market research that explains why the feature works better the new way. They're probably frustrated too, because they've had to write new acceptance criteria. Empathize with that frustration, then get to work.
- #1 is a dictionary definition of one of the core concepts in Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (oh, great, more reading homework!), One of the tenets of the book - Habit 5 - states "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you don't take the time to get to know the perspective of the person you're dealing with, you'll have no ability whatsoever to influence that perspective to more closely align with yours.
- Watch your body language, and theirs. Pause and imagine what you look like if you have a mirror in front of you. Are your arms crossed, is your face terse? You're likely coming off as combative and unwavering, and it's going to stop people from wanting to talk to you. Consciously work to put your hands in a more relaxed position. And if you really want someone to feel included in your conversation, purposely point your feet at them. And make eye contact. There's plenty of research material that proves body language has WAY more pertinence than written or spoken language. So use it to your advantage, and watch what other people's bodies are telling you even if they don't realize it.
- Which, of course - brings me to my next point. Smile, genuinely. Smiles are contagious and you can hear them in someone's voice, even if you can't see the person. If you actively smile during a conversation your positive attitude will rub off on other people too.
- Deal with toxic coworkers as soon as you possibly can. Seriously, they're not only going to bring you down, they're a drain on the entire team. It's one thing to have different perspectives from other people and to set them aside in the name of your team's mission. It's another thing entirely if someone is actively reducing your capability to pursue that mission. If you're the manager, correct or cut ties. If you're not the manager- get the manager to do so. Use all of these tools to help the manager understand your concerns. Otherwise your next active listening might be with a recruiter because things will continue to deteriorate if the situation doesn't resolve quickly. Toxic coworkers come in many flavors. Know how to spot them and know how to talk to management about them.
I'm sure I have other little things I do that keep the dysfunctional relationships at bay, in the office. I've had plenty of coworkers who really got on my nerves for one reason or another - but at the end of the day it's not my job to like them. It's my job to maximize value and productivity for my company and my team. Communication differences and personal preferences aside, the best interest of the company comes first. As long as they're not actively pursuing a negative path, professionalism has to win.
